Adam D. Blum, MFT

Many of my clients fall in love with narcissists.  It’s pretty easy to do.  Narcissists often are extremely charming, bright, and attractive.  I call them “shiny”.  Around them we can feel excited, more alive, entertained, and flattered that these shiny people chose us.

While narcissists can make a charming first impression, they can be challenging to love.  They tend to have trouble empathizing with others and so loving them in the context of a long term relationship can feel lonely.  If you want to feel “seen” by your partner then you might not want to date a narcissist.

My clients typically feel hurt by their narcissistic partners because their needs are not valued and respected.  It’s quite painful to keep giving and receive little care in return.

If you love a narcissist you may be spending a lot of time wondering why he doesn’t return your calls promptly, remember your birthday, or demonstrate a consistent interest and curiosity about you.

Here’s why. While narcissists look very confident to the outside world, inside it is a different story.  Internally they are experiencing painful low self-esteem.  In order to avoid this feeling they spend of great deal of energy searching for new and greater sources of admiration from others.  That search feels so important and consuming that it leaves little room for focusing on another person.  It’s like a drug addiction.

Narcissism occurs in a range.  We all have some narcissism within us.  Healthy narcissism gives us the motivation to get out there and make a splash when we need to.  Unhealthy narcissism isolates us from others when it blocks our capacity to empathize and authentically meet someone else’s needs.

If you consistently date men who are high on the narcissist scale then you may have a tendency to ignore your own needs in service to another.  A common psychological term for this is “codependency.”

How can you figure out if the man you are dating is a narcissist?  Here are some possible clues:

–You call and text him regularly but he rarely initiates contact.

–You remember his birthday and plan events to delight him but that isn’t reciprocated.

–You do most of the household drudgery and he doesn’t acknowledge you for that.

–You regularly ask him questions about his day but he doesn’t do the same.

–New acquaintances receive a great deal of inspired attention from him but you do not.

–When you mention some of these issues he becomes highly defensive and critical.

If you tend to be codependent then you might be asking right now, “What can I do that will help or change him?”  The difficult to accept–but true answer– is “nothing.”  Each of us must be motivated from within to change.  Period.

So what can you do?  The solution is to start giving your own needs the attention they deserve.  That means figuring out what they are, respecting them, and bringing people into your life who enjoy meeting them.

You are dating a five-year-old.

Yes, that man across the dinner table from you—the one with beard stubble and crow’s feet—is actually a five-year-old boy.

So are you.

All of us retain our experiences as children throughout our lives.  And when we are fighting with our boyfriends there’s a good chance that our inner five-year-old vulnerabilities have been triggered.

Here’s an example.  “Max”* gets furious when his boyfriend “Bill” yells a request from the downstairs office.  Many people don’t like yelling in the house but for Max there is an extra layer of trigger here.  Max’s father, who could summon a scary rage, would frequently shout angry demands at him from his basement workshop.

And so a negative cycle begins:  Bill innocently yells for some help from downstairs, Max becomes enraged due to the trigger of his experiences as a boy, and then Bill gets upset at Max for his angry tone.  Max notices that Bill is grouchy and responds with a new round of anger and distancing.

Bill has his own five-year-old boy triggers.  He hates it when Max tries to hold his hand.  It reminds him of his mother who was clingy, needy, and dependent.  So Bill pulls his hand away with annoyance when Max tries to grab it.  Max is hurt by this physical withdrawal and there begins another cycle of distancing that results in a depressing evening of fighting and tension.

To be a really good boyfriend, one of your jobs is to know your partner’s five-year-old triggers (as well as your own.)  You’ll find it relieving to know that his behavior has less to do with anything you did “wrong” and has more to do with the vulnerable, cute but hurt kid he usually keeps deep inside.

This knowledge allows you to take his actions less personally and to develop empathy for him.  And empathy is the fuel that powers great relationships.

Once we know the deeper reasons behind our partner’s angry responses we tend to be more motivated to avoid pushing on that bruised place.  You probably won’t want to refrain from yelling your requests from downstairs if you think your partner is simply being annoying and self-centered in his aversion to your request for help.

However, if you remind yourself of your partner’s five-year-old experience of being frightened and miserable due to his father’s angry commands, then it is much easier to feel motivated to walk upstairs and ask him where he left the wrench.

When your partner is seemingly unreasonable, take a moment to wonder what is really happening.  Did his five-year-old vulnerable self get stepped on?  If so, think how you would you calm an upset five-year-old.  You would probably make an empathic comment and then offer a hug, right?

If it works for a five-year-old then it may just work with your boyfriend.

*Not their real names.

Based on a combination of academic research and the real world experiences of my clients in long term gay relationships, the following are six practices that can enhance and maintain relationships over a lifetime:

“The Greet”: Dogs are the acclaimed experts of this practice.  They know how to greet their people when coming home.  With their entire bodies they demonstrate they are grateful that you are a part of their lives.  It’s a key reason we become so attached to them.  You don’t necessarily have to wag your tail when your partner comes home, but initiating some kind of friendly greeting can be an important ingredient in supporting your relationship.

Sex Matters:  Couples that convince themselves that sex is no longer important after years of togetherness sometimes get into trouble.  Sex can grow and develop just like other parts of your life together.  To add spice to a sex life that has become routine you’ll need creativity.  This can mean ramping up your curiosity about role-play, exploring breathing practices like tantra, or sharing your fantasies. Fantasy makes what is familiar new and exciting again.  This is one aspect of relationship development that requires a spirit of fun:  sexual negativity and complaining kills sex drive.

Developing You:  Many couples fall into the trap of expecting their partner to fill the hole in their lives.  Coupledom does not provide an escape from self-development.  The truth is there is no effective long term escape from self-development.  At any stage of life—even into your eighties and nineties—you need to keep growing in order to reach greater contentment.

Daily Rituals:  Aim for a daily check-in.  This is some version of “How was your day, honey?”  Try to practice this without multi-tasking.  Hide the portable electronic devices and spend a few minutes just hearing what you partner did that day.  It is your job to know about some (but not all) of the seemingly insignificant details of your partner’s office gossip, health issues, and favorite pop culture references.  A “check-in” is a part of my daily practice.  As Oscar Wilde said: “Ultimately the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation.”

Boundaries = Closeness:  Everyone needs time alone.  You need some friends and activities that are yours and that are not always experienced with your partner.  Sometimes you may need to shut the door, put on the earphones, or go for a walk by yourself in the neighborhood.  It is okay to “go away” for a while, as long as you commit to authentically coming back later.

Keep Talking:  As humans, the key method we have to repair hurts is communication.  If you are not a “good communicator” then now may be a time to start learning.  Communication is a skill that can be learned, just like knitting or skiing—it just takes instruction and practice.  Fortunately improved communication is something that many couples can learn in a few hours.  I don’t recommend waiting to seek couples counseling until a crisis occurs.  Just a few sessions can enhance a relationship that is already doing well.  Believe it or not, it can be fun, especially when you go out to dinner afterwards.

Ultimately what keeps long term relationships strong is paying attention to the emotional bond between you.  The work of fostering emotional intimacy—which means feeling free to share your feelings without fearing rejection—can be supported by experimenting with some of the practices outlined here.

For couples who want to heal their relationships after an affair there is good reason to be hopeful.  Although the results of studies vary, most research reveals that two-thirds of heterosexual couples will remain together after an affair.  While the research on this topic among gay male couples is limited, most indicate that male couples are even more likely to recover from affairs.

Of course, some of these couples may stay together in misery while others will truly improve their relationships.  How can you and your partner grow as a couple after an affair?

In a nutshell, the process of recovering from the crisis of an affair is similar to the process of recovering from any difficult emotional experience.  You have to talk about it.  A lot.  On an honest, deep, and respectful level.  This is how humans heal:  we communicate.

The partner who engaged in the affair must take responsibility for his actions.  Part of that process includes discovering the underlying reasons why he had the affair.   He also needs to sincerely apologize and to do so repeatedly.  He must keep listening, without getting overly defensive, about his partner’s feelings of betrayal.  He needs to learn to validate those hurt feelings.

For true healing ultimately he will need to step into his partner’s shoes for a few moments and get a visceral sense of what betrayal feels like.  This is called empathy.

This doesn’t happen with just one conversation.  It has to occur over and over again.  Each time a slightly different aspect of feelings will be revealed.

After a period of time the partner who had the affair will want the conversation to end.  He’ll get tired of hearing how he hurt his partner.  He’ll get impatient with the process and want to move on.  He may feel like he is being punished. However, if he wants to repair the relationship, he will need to tolerate the slow process of healing.  He will need to practice the art of patience and understanding.

The partner who feels betrayed needs to practice expressing and naming his feelings again and again.  His job is to identify his range of feelings and then communicate them clearly and respectfully.  Attacking his partner and seeking revenge won’t move the process forward.  He needs to become fully aware of his feelings and to ask and expect that his feelings be heard and respected.

Here’s the bottom line:  we all want to be heard.  It may be the most important experience we are seeking in a relationship.  So relationship recovery is a listening process.

None of this is easy territory.  It is best done within what therapists call a strong “container”.   This could be a couples counselor’s office or it could be on your living room couch with the phone turned off, plenty of eye contact, and a shared commitment to key rules of communication.

Perhaps the single most important communication rule is to speak from the “I” position.  Rather than complaining about what he does, you focus on how you feel when he does that thing.  This approach avoids escalating the argument because how can someone debate what you feel?  You are the only expert on your feelings.  Sharing of feelings in this manner leads to empathy, and that leads to healing.

Often the crisis of an affair becomes an opportunity to look at and improve some of the ongoing issues within the relationship.  It’s commonly the wake-up call that gets both partners motivated to do the scary work of speaking truthfully.

Affairs, untreated addictions, and poor self-care habits are all methods of attempted escape.  They help us avoid the worthwhile and challenging work of looking at what is really true about ourselves, our childhood experiences, and our relationships.  They represent “acting out” of feelings rather than directly facing them with mindfulness and compassionate courage.

When we “escape” our partners and ourselves with any of these behaviors, we can expect to hurt people we love.  Exploring our underlying, more vulnerable feelings is the essential recipe for healing our relationships with others, as well as our relationship with ourselves.